This is a shortened version. I kept the ones I found particularly funny and true.
Bold are my favorites.
Bold and green are my takes on some of these.
Some credit goes to SomethingAwful and
Dino.
THE PERPETUAL HANG-OUTER
This person is someone you chilled out with once or twice, and found you had a
lot in common with. You run into them maybe 4-5 times a semester, usually at a
party or while running late for class. No matter the situation, their
characteristic response is: "Gah, we need to hang out some time. Call me, and
we'll (insert mutually beneficial activity here)." You agree, but neither make
any effort to call one another to hang out.
GRADE INQUIRER
The G.I. immediately has to know what grade you got on test the second you get
it. G.I. will not divulge their own grade if yours was higher. If G.I. did get a
higher grade, they'll offer a sympathetic shrug and let you know you did better
than so and so and keep your head up.
THE 1 HIT WONDER
You will never hear this guy/girl ever say anything, whether it be to other
students or the professor. Then one day, after looking extremely intense or
constipated for an hour straight, they will say something so gloriously
insightful that it will bring tears to the eyes of everyone who bears witness to
it.
Then they will never speak again.
THE PROCRASTINATOR
This kid always procrastinates and is perpetually hurrying to finish papers or
projects on deadlines. He/she work best 2-3 hrs before a deadline and are known
to be b.s.-ing genius's... They always boast they procrastinate but shed years
worrying about their papers!!
TOO MUCH STUFF GIRL/GUY
They have a huge backpack with every book for all their classes in it. A change
of clothes, an umbrella and groceries. They are always late yet will choose the
seat in the front middle next to the projector maximizing the disruption to the
class.
BIOLOGICAL WEAPON
The B.W. even having a 103.2 fever will still attend class, and will spend more
time in class coughing, sneezing, wheezing, blowing their nose, and sniffling
than they do not making noise. While their dedication to education may be set in
stone, it is advised to avoid this person like the plague, even if it means
missing class to stay healthy.
THE KID THAT FUCKING NO-ONE LIKES
This kid is a douche bag! And for arguments sake let’s call him “DANNY” This kid
will attempt to befriend you then manage to say or do something so unspeakably
rude or offer some backwards compliment. Parties disassemble whenever this Ass
hat manages to find his way to one.
WALK SLOWER THAN GRANDMA PERSON
Often in groups of two or three they will stretch out in a line and walk slower
than an old person with a walker. Also known to hog sidewalks force other
students use the grass.
YOU’RE A LITTLE TOO OLD TO BE HERE GUY The uncool
version of Van Wilder.
Usually in the 28-32 year range, this species refuses to let go of the joys of
college. Can be found on campus seven days a week, and is always present at
EVERY SINGLE FRAT PARTY. Will give you some lame, shady excuse why he’s still in
college, and will then befriend you so he can abuse the T1 connection in your
dorm room to download porn. Most often has no friends his own age, is unemployed
and still lives with his parents. Because he is older than everyone else, he
will constantly criticize everyone for acting like children, but will then throw
a tantrum when you won’t let him play a game of HALO. You can recognize him by
his weird and outdated taste in clothing and his fondness for 80’s rock music.
Usually very loud, obnoxious and opinionated in the classroom, with traits
similar to that of THE EXAM BEGGER and THE INTELLECTUAL SUPERHERO.
THE EXAM BEGGER
This person cannot take a test without first begging for as much review or
information as possible. They cannot prepare for a test without first knowing
seemingly unimportant details like "How many questions are on this test?" They
will beg for extra review sessions, extra credit, and to know the exact
breakdown of how the test is scored. They will waste the whole class when a test
is announced if the professor doesn't shut them up. They will also spend the
entire first session of a class, when the syllabus is presented trying to make
homework a much higher percentage of the total grade.
BIBLE SLUT
Generally starts out being the CONVERTER, straight-laced and conservative; they
go to church every week and brag about that fact often. This person even has the
ability to recite any and every bible verse from memory. Then THE LUCKY BASTARD
or JOHNNY THREE LEGS introduces them to the marvels of SEX, and it's all down
hill from there, as they descend into the foul pits of whoredom. They of course
will still go to Church every week in order to keep up a facade of piety,
singing the glories of baby Jesus.
THE BABYFACE
This kid graduated high school early, but doesn't really make a big deal about
it. Because of this, his social skills are somewhat undeveloped, and he is quick
to attach himself to social groups in order to gain acceptance. Said social
groups are quick to make him the subject of their corruption projects, and take
great pleasure in getting him drunk/laid/stoned for the first time.
THE AMICABLE ATHLETE
Sort of the polar opposite of the Hillbilly Gangster, the Amicable Athlete is
usually about 6 foot three, weighing in at 225 pounds, and looks like Sam
Jackson on steroids. Attending college on a sports scholarship, the Amicable
Athlete probably works a cushy job at a car dealership, gets more tail than you
can possibly imagine, is more or less constantly high on primo weed all of the
time, and is smart enough to know that he's in for an easy ride and to enjoy it
and throws great parties! While he might never turn pro, there's a good chance
he'll get a good gig on the local AM sports radio station
THE STAREDOWN-ER
If this kid is corrected by another student on anything, no matter how wrong
they were, and how right the corrector was, his wrath shall be incurred in the
most passive-aggressive manner possible: Silently glowering at their new
'nemesis'. No matter if the incident occurred once, months ago, any time you
look in this kid's general direction, he will still be fucking staring at you
with the hatred of a thousand warlords. Will probably lead the victim of his
piercing gaze to do a number of 'Is he still fucking staring at me?' checks.
THE WHITE RASTAFARIAN
All of his tie-dyed clothes are made from, like, pure natural hemp, man! He most
likely sports an impressive set of dreadlocks and can be easily spotted as he
skateboards to his next class. The White Rasta can also be found playing an odd
game called 'hackey sack' along with others of his kind in any park-like area,
or any place that has a couple of trees nearby, and seem to have an affinity for
border collies and other shaggier members of the species canine. They also seem
to possess an almost MacGuyver-like ability to create a bong from a combination
of nearly any common household objects within a matter of moments.
THE CAVE DWELLER
His blinds are never open. His light's never on. He lives by the light of his
computer. Whenever he goes out, which is very, very rare, he squints and looks
frightened, often power walking to class. He uses the internet for his lectures,
and never sleeps when you do, so you can't hang out with your friends/girlfriend
at your place. He's not nice, but he's not mean. He's clean, but his room's a
mess. There's Mountain Dew cans everywhere. He gets average grades, and he's
usually a science major, though sometimes a Lit or English major.
MUSCLES MCFLAUNTY
This individual (almost always a guy) has been lifting weights since age 4, and
never lets you forget about it. He goes to the gym twice a day, wears nothing
more covering than a wife beater, and constantly twitches his pecs just to get
you to look at his chest. McFlaunty may or may not be otherwise annoying, but it
is a known fact that he eats creatine for breakfast, lunch and dinner to
increase muscle mass even further; this will result in four different cancers
before he is 30. Occasionally, Muscles McFlaunty will have a lisp, in which
case, laugh at him.
MRS. DEGREE
Misses degree has no real purpose in college except finding "Mr. Degree"
majoring in some lucrative field such as computer programming, premed, law, or
engineering. Often packed with great looks, a killer body and half a brain Mrs.
Degree has no problem being a mere shadow of their wealthy husband and is always
the first to brag and attempt to start "intelligent conversation" on the career
of Mr. Degree. Always on the prowl, you may find Mrs. Degree befriending such
characters as the Study Nazi, FUCKING DISGUSTING C.S. MAJOR, and the CEO Junior.
SOCIAL DISORDER GUY
Avoided by everyone, this person possess a crippling social tic that goes
completely unnoticed to him. If you're unlucky enough to be identified by social
disorder guy in public, you will be followed regardless of how much of a hurry
you pretend to be in. You will be forced, due to social etiquette, to engage in
a meaningless and awkward conversation that will be filled with
characterizations of your self image. Social Disorder Guy is completely
comfortable stopping on his way to work for fifteen minutes or half an hour to
fill you in on one of two things: either his roommate is moving out again or he
has a new job. You have no classes with him, and you never see him except for
random times during the day around your campus, yet he considers you one of his
best friends. You probably are.
THE ANSWER MACHINE
This person gets it! They understand the material. They can answer the hard
questions that require logical induction and they can form arguments using the
material.
Unfortunately, everyone else in the class is either the Quiet, Smart Slacker or
The Frat Mattress or I'm Too Important to Be Here. The professor lectures and
asks a question and no one will answer. Grated by the awkward silence, The
Answer Machine finally answers.
The floodgates open. From the rest of the semester onwards, the class is a
dialogs between The Answer Machine and the professor interspersed with
infrequent, sometimes mind-numbing comments from The Frat Mattress when she's
called on and the slacker when they care. But for the most part, it's The Answer
Machine. Even when they don't answer, the professor will call on them regardless
of whether or not their hand is raised.
THE GEEK PROVIDER
The provider tends to be everyone's best friend when they need something from
him. Of his various requests, he spends the majority of his time lofting and
unlofting bunks, or fixing people's computers. When he is not doing this, the
provider is somehow nowhere to be found. For extra fun, combine THE PROVIDER
with the FOREIGN SILENT CURVE DESTROYER
MR. I WORK FULL TIME
This guy uses his job as an excuse not to show up and help with group projects.
He will claim that he must work all the time and therefore cannot show up for
any of the group meetings. Impossible to get hold of outside of class. Generally
a 50/50 shot of doing the work.
MUSIC MAJOR
One of the more rare species outside of Music Classes, Practice Rooms, and
University Symphony Concerts. The MM spends 50% of their time practicing, 25%
studying hard/semi-useless classes which require an A to get accepted to their
low-paying major, 25% at band practices, and 25% with their music
Fraternity/Sorority...is that 125%? Doesn't matter; MMs party so much that the
high alcohol content in their bloodstream causes them to black out and loose
that 25%. Tends to only date other music majors because "Only another MM can
understand why they have to practice 3-4 hours a day". Depending on the
instrument, music majors are laid back, but complain that they are working SOOO
hard to eventually get a salary of <$35K a year but that "I love music SOOO much
it doesn't matter". Usually makes fun of the Drama Nerd for not being "Real
Musicians" and has enough Classical CD's to fill up Amazon.com.
FACEBOOK ADDICT
The Facebook Addict often makes references to who changed/added what, and who
"its complicated" with who. Most of their sentences begin with "omg did u see
_______ on his/her wall?" and end with "Tag it!" They check facebook every
chance they get, only to get pissed when they dont have a new wall post from
when they last checked it 18 seconds ago. They are amazed by those who mini-feed
say they have "no recent activity" and how they have such self control. The
FACEBOOK ADDICT often joins many groups and is only moments away from becoming
the FACEBOOK ZOMBIE.
INTELLECTUAL SUPERHERO
Intellectual Superhero is neither an intellectual nor a superhero, but don’t
tell him that! The Intellectual Superhero is easily identified by his complete
inability to allow a class period to pass by without asking at least 654
questions designed to show how "witty" and "clever" he is. He will attempt to
prove the professor wrong in every class with his inane bullshit, regardless of
the fact that the professor has a doctorate in the field. If it’s a science
course, the Intellectual Superhero will attempt to solve every problem using an
alternate method, which is always incorrect. But don’t worry; he’ll still manage
to waste 20 minutes of your life with his insane method of solving the problem.
At least you’ll get to laugh at him when the professor proves him wrong.
THE FACE BOOK ZOMBIE
This person comes to class every single time, yet spends 100% of class time on
their laptop. They believe that if one comes to class, one will somehow absorb
the material telepathically from the professor. They usually are on Face book,
Forums (Many are Goons) Some sort of RPG, Solitaire, you name it. The important
thing, though, is that they are not paying attention to class at all, Ever. They
tend to hover in the back, and have ultra quick minimizing reflexes if a lone TA
should wander back there.
45 YEAR OLD COLLEGE STUDENT WITH 2 KIDS Most
commonly found at branch schools of major universities. Anything with a North,
South, East, West, or combination of the two tacked onto something like Indiana,
Michigan, or Purdue will do.
The 45 Year Old College Student with Two Kids is one of the more interesting
persona's found in the college classroom. This subject has returned to school in
an attempt to better her life, which is a great endeavor. However, there are a
few things about this person that will make you want to punch her in the face by
the end of the semester. The 45-year-old college student with two kids must
write down every word the professor says. This will cause the class to be
peppered with calls of "can you repeat that" approximately every 0.23 seconds.
Second, she must ask the most obvious questions, preferably ones the professor
has already answered.
THE FLEETING LOVEBIRDS
Comprised mainly of Freshman, these two are fresh out of high school, and are
gonna be in love forever. They take all the same classes together, they've got
their first apartment together, and they're inseparable. Most of the time, one
of the two had the chance to a scholarship at a better school, but turned it
down in the name of love. They'll sit together in class, are always the first to
volunteer for group work together, and will no doubt be broken up by the end of
their first year.
THE GUY/GIRL WITH INHUMAN HALO SKILLS Tyler and
Darrell. Reader... [insert your friend's names here]
This person doesn't have "mad skills"; Instead, there is no word in the English
language that properly describes how good this fucker is with a plasma rifle or
pistol. They look rather ordinary, with no unusual physical features, nor
obvious personality quirks. But give em' an Xbox, and a copy of Halo, and
prepare to have many recurring nightmares of what you're about to see. They
quite literally can chuck a grenade at a difficult-to-reach weapon, and the
explosion will launch the said weapon straight at em', as if they was pulling it
telekineticaly. They knows the location of every item on every map, and knows
exactly when that item is gonna respawn.
STUPID UGLY FAT GIRL Seemingly found quite often
in psychology classes.
Stupid Ugly Fat Girl feels the need to enter into every single class discussion,
completely disregarding the fact that she has nothing of substance to add to the
conversation. Stupid Ugly Fat Girl cannot construct a sentence without using the
words "like" and "um" at least 12 times for every 2 other words. She always
wears clothes that are too tight, and seems partial to gaudy rhinestone shirts
with incredibly original phrases such as "Princess" strewn across the front of
her sagging cow tits. The only way to actually learn something in a class with
the Stupid Ugly Fat Girl is to distract her attention with a shiny object.
THE ONE UPPER
This student will make it a point to one-up anything that comes out of anyone’s
mouth. You study for a test for 6 hours? He studied for 10. You drank 12 beers?
He drank 20. You've broken your arm twice? He's broken his 3 times. The
interesting thing to note about the One-Upper is the fact that everything he
says is a lie, but he has convinced himself its true.
SMALL TOWN GODDESS
Hails from some microscopic town where she maybe had 5 or 6 classmates in her
graduating class, the Small Town Goddess is what is known as HOT. SMOKING HOT,
in fact. Like, all-natural, blonde haired and blue-eyed 1973-ish Playboy
bunny-like hotness. However, for some reason unknown to science, she somehow did
not develop what is commonly known as 'Hot Chick Syndrome' and is, instead,
incredibly sweet, good natured and friendly to a fault. This, naturally, causes
most members of the opposite sex to be baffled by this seemingly incongruous
behavior. Many a man have approached her, yet few can stand to be around her for
very long. Why, you ask? The fault lies not with her, oh dear reader! Nay, the
fault comes from realizing that she is honestly squeaky clean and you, by
comparison, are like some filthy hobo in your soul.
JOHNNY FRAT BOY - or - SALLY SORORITY CHICK
While there’s certainly nothing wrong with being in a Greek organization, some
people take their involvement in these groups a little too seriously. These are
the people who can’t go 2 consecutive days without wearing their shirts from
some drinking party they went to last weekend. Johnny Frat Boy likes to brag
about how many beers he slammed down on Tuesday night, while Sally Sorority
Chick acts as though she is too immaculate to be tarnished by your presence. In
either case you shouldn’t worry about these two personality types too much
because they only associate with each other. This brings me to another point:
when you see these people outside of class, it is perfectly acceptable to run
them over with your motor vehicle of choice.
STUDY NAZI
Study Nazi is in school for one reason: to get good grades. Unfortunately for
Study Nazi, he’s not that bright and he struggles with his classes. That doesn’t
stop him from letting everyone know how long he studied for that 5 question quiz
though. Study Nazi, much like the Intellectual Superhero, will ask questions
constantly during class. However, the Intellectual Superhero has some grasp of
the material. Study Nazi, while he can quote his books and his notes verbatim,
has no idea what any of it means. Under no circumstances should you approach
Study Nazi outside of class. Doing so will only remind him that he’s losing
valuable time that he could be using in the library and you might get hurt in
his frenzied dash to get there as quickly as possible.
THE LUCKY BASTARD One of my friends. Name remains
anonymous. FUCK!
An amorphous presence, he is in your class just to make you feel crappy. He
doesn't try, isn't smart, and may even be a mean SOB to people, yet gets lucky
breaks in grades/finding a job/getting a girl. For instance he bombs a test but
the professor loses it and acknowledges he took the test and gets the class
average, or finds an emotionally unstable girl who clings to him and does
anything he wants regardless of how he treats her. He also will get a job
because of a crappy reason like him and the recruiter like the same baseball
player.
THE BALANCED GUY Me.
They're a fairly sociable bunch with lots of common sense, and they have fairly
diversified skills. These guys seldom try to draw attention to themselves but
also have a healthy amount of self-esteem (Balanced Guys generally don't
attack/insult people in any way unless they feel it's warranted). They're
willing to learn a little about everything and can be found in places such as
the gym lifting weights, or even in a kitchen working on their cooking skills.
Who knows what Balanced Guy will do next. They aren't spendthrifts, but they
aren't penny pinchers, either. They play both sports and video games. When it
comes to discussions of any sort, balanced guy keeps an open mind and generally
takes a politically "moderate" stance.
SILENT FOREIGN CURVE DESTROYER
Bigger font to indicate how unfucking believably true this
is; if you go to anything other than a community college, you know this kid.
Silent Foreign Curve Destroyer has nothing better to do than study. While the
average of the rest of the class is a respectable 45%, Silent Foreign Curve
Destroyer has approximately a 1351% in the course, thereby totally destroying
any chance you had of passing the class. Silent Foreign Curve Destroyer can be
identified by the fact that he will be in the library before you get there and
stay far after you've left. He will almost certainly wear the same clothing
throughout the entire course, and, while he may be human, it's more likely that
he's some kind of magic robot.
FUCKING DISGUSTING C.S. MAJOR
Fucking Disgusting Computer Science Major is the reason that you don’t want to
go to class. He bathes roughly once every leap year and wears the same "totally
awesome" Japanese video game (the import version was so much better) shirt for
half a semester at a time. No matter how far away you get from him, the stench
seems to travel across the room and assault your nostrils. Fucking Disgusting
Computer Science Major has no time for the English language, and he will often
ask questions that make little to no sense and lack any sort of "grammatical
structure." He’s the only character that can actually give Silent Foreign Curve
Destroyer a run for his money on the intellectual scale, but that’s only because
he was probably born with knowledge of linear algebra and differential
equations.
THE VISIBLE MINORITY
He's the only one in your class, sometimes he makes sure that everyone knows it.
Most of the time he's pretty cool though, you just need to get to know them
better. Excels at making you feel bad about random comment you make on his
people.
THE ANIME FREAK
Anime Freak is somewhat of a rarity outside of computer science and/or Japanese
courses. However, you still might encounter one in some humanities cores. The
Anime Freak will always be wearing button down shirts with a dragon or some kind
of Dragonball Z character on it. Also, anything with Japanese writing on it is
always cool in the eyes of Anime Freak, even if it makes absolutely no sense. Do
not approach the Anime Freak outside of class, unless you want to run into a
situation like this:
quote:
You: Hey, what’s up?
AF: I think episode 185 of [insert horribly obscure anime show here] is the best
because they use the Power of the Light to slay the dragon beast and save the
world from total destruction!!!
You: Um… I have to go.
THE ENGINEER
One who is rarely seen without a TI-83 Plus or higher model calculator, and
actually knows how to, and does, use all the functions of said calculator. Often
makes jokes that one outside of the Engineering spectrum will not understand, or
makes really horrible ones, or both. Example: "I'm pretty sure it was a
zero-force member..." "that's what she said." Takes many science/math courses
that are said to "strongly relate to core Engineering" and "provide a base for
higher level courses" but in reality 99% of skills in said classes are rarely
used.
MAJOR ELITIST Welcome to Purdue University.
Major Elitist is generally some type of science or engineering major who looks
down on anyone who might even think about getting a humanities or business
degree. After all, we all know that the only thing that’s important is science.
All that other mamby-pansy bullshit like "History" or "English" or "the world
economy" is just a bunch of feel-good rhetorical nonsense anyway. Besides, any
jackass can get a liberal arts degree!
NON-CONFORMIST CONFORMIST
The Non-Conformist Conformist is an interesting species. While he tries to
"fight the man," he is unable to do so without conforming to another group. The
Non-Conformist Conformist can be easily identified by his Rage Against the
Machine or Che Guevara t-shirt and dark green corduroy pants. During the winter
he will be wearing a military field coat from Germany with a patch on the side,
and he often carries a wallet on a chain. You can identify him in the classroom
because he’ll feel the need to share with the class his opinions of pop culture.
He’ll use a condescending tone of voice because he’s better than little sheep
like you. That’s all right though because whether it be the punk, goth, or any
other subculture, the Non-Conformist Conformist declares boldly, "I choose to
not fit in by fitting in with a DIFFERENT group!"
FASHION MONGER
Fashion Monger is on the bleeding edge of fashion! While having some nice
clothes is something everyone should invest in, Fashion Monger’s entire wardrobe
has been purchased from stores so hip that you've never even heard of them.
Apparently, it’s "hip" and "with it" to pay 500 dollars for jeans that were hand
stitched by the hardworking people of Taiwan. And, as we all know, 50 dollars
for a silk-screened t-shirt is a completely reasonable price, as long as it was
designed by an gay Italian man. Yes, nothing says, "I have too much money and
not enough common sense" quite like buying clothes with fancy designer labels
that are marked up 1000%
THE SOCIABLE SLACKER
This is the guy who went out of his way to talk to you on the first day. Was
really personable, seems like a normal, social person. He even suggested trading
phone numbers just in case you needed help. Fast forward to the second week of
class - he's not there. Same goes for all the classes until right before the
midterm when you get a call. "Hey man, what's up? How's it going? Oh yeah, I
missed the last class can I borrow all your notes and photocopy them? Yeah, we
should go grab a beer one day." No show again until the final where he calls you
up again asking for notes. And that beer? A complete fabrication.
PARADISE LOST
Smart, sheltered kid with a childhood full of religious superstition and
intimacy issues. Finally gets into a relationship (aka LAID) and gets suicidal
when the breakup comes a few months later. Will either hang himself in the woods
or emerge as an improved species. Flip a coin.
CEO JUNIOR III
Born to wealth and privilege and toting an ego the size of Australia, CEO Jr.
III will rarely be encountered outside of econ, business and business-related
courses (like the lower level computer sciences). Much like the Fashion Monger,
CJ3 is fascinated by brand names and drops them wherever possible. However,
instead of dropping "real" designer names, he'll brag about the cheap shit he
bought from Abercrombie last week. Success is what he's aiming for, and he'll
probably get there, but only through his dad’s business connections. Like the
Study Nazi, he is not particularly bright, though his particular mode of
achieving good grades consists of stroking the professor's ego with appropriate
questions and office hours schmoozing. Like the Sociable Slacker he is
unfailingly cheerful, but his cheeriness, much like everything else about him,
is completely insincere. He is astoundingly successful at getting laid for
reasons which are at present unknown to science. It's probably best to avoid
crossing him in social circumstances since he can wield his people skills like a
weapon.
THE SKIMMER
The skimmer is easy to identify. He always sits in the back of lecture halls and
is usually asleep 10 minutes into class. It is not uncommon to hear The Skimmer
brag about how much studying he didn't do for that quiz coming up. The Skimmer
is not usually found in higher level courses.
THE SCOUT
The Scout is always in lecture before you. Even if you show up five minutes
early. The Scout will use his backpack, notebook, textbook, or anything larger
than a piece of paper to cordon off the entire front row for his or her friends,
who show up five minutes after the class has already started.
THE PHANTOM
A completely unremarkable student in every way, THE PHANTOM shows up for
classes, does the work, and... that's it. You will never see THE PHANTOM outside
of class - Existing on his sheepishness and fueled by his silence, even if you
live next door to THE PHANTOM you'll never hear a word of him, sometimes can be
combined with Fucking Disgusting Computer Science Major for a truly wholesome
experience.
JOHNNY THREE LEGS
Usually an average-looking, somewhat lanky guy, Johnny Three Legs is
extraordinary on one respect: his ten inch penis. Flaccid. How do you know?
Well, he's the guy that faces towards everyone else in communal showers. In
dorms with individual showers, he dries himself off in public areas, and spends
just a bit more time naked than other residents, who usually whip on a towel
before they even draw the curtains open. Pity his poor roommate, usually a
lonely computer science major that is still a virgin, who is kept up awake at
nights from the cries of Johnny Three leg's dates - "Ouch! That hurts! Ungggnmph!
Oh yeah ... yes ... God ... OUCH! Let's try it another way .... yes ... oh God
... oh Jesus ... OUCH!"
THE PREMED
The pre-med has a 4.0 cumulative GPA and has junior standing even though he's a
first semester sophomore. He's got a >90 average in every class this semester,
but is absolutely terrified that he's going to fail them all. Can often be heard
making wild assumptions about grading schemes and arguing with the TA over 0.25
point deductions on exams.
THE WANNA BE COMPUTER GEEK Very prevalent on
digg... go ubuntu... the fuck? :-D Kidding... don't haxor me...
:(
They can be found in groups often discussing old internet fads while downloading
songs and files from P2P networks. Often annoying to the people around them.
Will shout out "LOL INTERNETS" at random times and you can hear some old techno
songs in the background.
THE COMMENTER
Tends to occupy the center of the room for maximum visibility. Always nods along
with the professor. Provides his/her own commentary, largely to herself, during
lecture while jotting down notes. Most commonly uttered phrases are variations
of: "Oh yeah", "Exactly", "Well, that's interesting".
Example:
Prof.: DNA is blueprint for life.
Comm.: [Nod] [Nod] Uh-huh. Well, ain't that something
VACATION GUY
This guy didn't want to go to college in the first place, but did because he
didn't want to disappoint his parents and teachers by not trying. So he picked a
party school, never went to class, and treated the whole thing as a $40,000,
year long, spring break away from shitty middle class suburbia. Then disappeared
to a distant part of the country never to be heard from again.
THE BLONDE ASIAN TAMER
Female in a science degree who probably shouldn't be. However, due to chemicals
she emits from her hair, holds sway over Silent Foreign Curve Destroyer or other
male Asian students who do her beck and call. Part hive mind, part parasite.
Identify by remarks like "This stuff is so hard, Haji, you're so smart" or "What
did you get for number 1?". Usually a sub-species of Sally Sorority Chick
MR. UNCERTAINTY
Mr. Uncertainty isn't really that bad a guy to have class with, as he's
virtually guaranteed never to disrupt the class proceedings. Even when the
teacher asks him a question directly, he'll attempt to deflect it through a
magical combination of stuttering, fumbling, and vague sentences that trail off
in the middle. He probably doesn't take very good notes, but he's there every
day in hopes of making up for the fact. He probably has at least two majors and
a third concentration that he's considering, but it's all perpetually up in the
air since he doesn't really know what he wants to do. Because of this, you'll
almost never see him in an advanced-level class, since he's always going back
and satisfying the core requirements for a different major.
PROFESSOR CORRECTOR Also known as the question
kid. Most annoying person you will ever have the misfortune of being in contact
with while in college.
This student loves to volunteer class time to correct the professors' menial
mistakes. Did he say 90% instead of 85%? Was he off an important date by a year?
The Corrector will grab this opportunity immediately. Does the textbook back up
the professor? Well that's wrong too! The whole world is filled with
misinformation, and only this noble lad can spend 20 minutes setting the
professor straight as everyone silently whispers "I HATE YOU." They may be a
student, but they already years ahead of the class.
OBNOXIOUS CAR DRIVER
Pulling out of the parking deck at the speed limit while letting pedestrians
cross will not fly while the OCD is around. Loud tire screeching, revving, horn
honking, and blasted music must be accompanied at even the slowest street. They
will outrace and outmaneuver vans in 20 mph zones. They will rev their engine to
make sure they reach the stop sign 20 feet away fast enough. Their car is
modified to maximize every scrape, screech and scratch to its highest volumes.
If it's not unnecessarily loud, they are not driving.
THE CONVERSATIONALIST
You'll find this one at the back of the class, and they tend to travel in herds.
She spends all semester having conversations with the people around her, that
have absolutely nothing to do with the class, usually pertaining to her
boyfriend, a movie she just saw, or a party she was at/plans to attend.
Completely ignorant of the people around her who are actually trying to pay
attention to the lecture in a typically difficult subject. Another common trait
of The Conversationalist is her apparent lack of any sort of school supplies
(including pens, pencils, paper, and the freaking textbook) Sociologists have
theorized that this is a subconscious ploy designed to draw more people into The
Conversationalist's tangled web of distraction.
THE FACULTY MEMBER
This is a student who has become very involved and uses his major as a
replacement for a social life. He may, or may not work in the department office,
but you'll see him wandering around the office anyway, chatting up the actual
faculty. Maybe having lunch in the waiting area. He's only annoying when you
actually have a class with him and he takes on the role of a teaching assistant.
THE JACKASS OF ALL TRADES
This man is seemingly adept in all subjects, and will boast about it too. Hear
him complain about how easy his last Abstract Algebra exam was, how he wrote his
African paper two hours before its due and how little he prepared for his
sociology presentation. His weakness is poor social skills. Ask about his
girlfriend for massive emotional baggage!
PHILOSOPHER STONER
Easily identifiable by his red eyes, incoherent speech, and the lingering stench
of marijuana, the philosopher stoner may or may not be a member of NORML, and
probably won't go to class very often. On the off chance that he actually
attends a class, god forbid the professor mention anything related to drugs,
because suddenly the philosopher stoner will turn into a walking, talking
version of erowid.com.
DEER IN HEADLIGHT CHICK Kept my speech/comm.
class very entertaining.
Normally, she's quiet. She's so quiet she'll duck down when the professor looks
to ask questions. The second she's called on to give a speech, her entire body
tenses up. Very rarely will a word escape her mouth that's not "Uhhh" or "Like".
She's known for freezing up for periods of greater than one minute during
in-class presentations, much to everyone else's amusement.
THE SNIPER
This is the kid, usually a male, who sits in the back of the class and will
constantly spout out smart ass remarks at the professor in an attempt to act
like he really doesn't really care for the class and thinks he is super cool
cause he can be so disrespectful in class. But this guy is important cause when
the class starts dragging and getting boring, he can usually lighten the mood.
Annoying and funny at the same time.
THE REDNECK
The redneck managed to get into the college because he went to a backwoods
school composed entirely of trailers in a swamp, where 4.0 GPA's are a dime a
dozen, and anyone can pass the classes practically by attending. Unfortunately,
he is probably going to fail multiple classes in a semester and drop out soon.
Unattractive, disgusting hygiene, has a taste for inferior websites, loves to
hunt, sometimes wears camouflage to class, attends every athletic event, and
likes to "Git-R-Dun" occasionally. Nothing more than a friendly nuisance on his
own, he is a very dangerous animal in the company of others exactly the same.
QUIET SMART SLACKER
Normally found in one of the back rows but not the very back as he is trying to
blend in. Doesn't say much in class, only being social when he has to or with
people he knows outside of class. Won't disrupt class but if called on will
answer correctly. Pays attention, but doesn't always do work, or work hard.
Shows up to class 80% of the time, but does 40% of the outside work/study time.
Graduates in 5-6 years with a 3.0 but only because of intelligence and test
scores, not effort (as shown in number of years taken to graduate).
THE ANNOYING CLONE
This is a person you meet in the class that you share the same interests and
hobbies. At first you enjoy talking and hanging out with them, but then all they
do is constantly talk about the same interests and never want to talk about
anything else, and every day they want to hang out after class and do something
related to the point it drives you insane. In the end you end up hating both the
person, and what you enjoyed.
THE CONVERTER I have respect for religion and
other's faith... but one of the most annoying fucks you'll ever meet.
This guy or gal is a shining beacon of their Religion, and will attempt to bring
it to light every chance they get, and attempt to get you to believe in whatever
it is they believe. Anytime your classes mention faith, she is the first to
preach to the entire class, and say that her deity is what everyone needs to
follow.
THE HERETIC
Exact opposite of The Converter, this person hates all forms of Religion and
despises God. Used to be devoted to a faith, but lost his or her faith through
some event in the past, such as a major physical/psychological trauma. This
person loves to quote John Milton, and argue with others who believe in God.
THE THREAT:
Black trench coat. Few words. Odd knowledge about weapons. And somehow, he
always seems to sit next to you in class.
THE APATHETIC GENIUS
The apathetic genius is the pinnacle of wasted potential. He shows up to most of
his classes, and is minorly sociable. He is involved in class discussions but
will never write a single page of notes, never does any extra credit or optional
assignments, and never even reads the textbook or studies. Despite this he will
consistently get A's and B's in every class he takes, all while exerting no
apparent effort. This person probably has the ability to cure cancer some day,
but years of being unchallenged and socially shunned will lead him to drop out
after his first or second year.
THE DUDE WHO KNOWS FUCKING EVERYONE
Everywhere you go, this guy knows somebody he has to high five and chat with for
a little bit. He probably grew up in the area, has an outgoing personality, and
is involved in a wide variety of activities that breach many social circles.
Generally liked, although he may be too outgoing for some people. Generally
doesn't have a lot of close friends, but makes up for it in sheer volume. This
is the guy to talk to if you're interested in a new hobby, want to join a club,
or just want to meet new people. May do incredibly outrageous things to get even
more attention.
THE R.A.
The R.A. lives to fuck up your social life. Lurking behind every dark shadow;
The R.A. springs to action and stomps out any signs of fun, ranging from a
friendly game of Bingo to a raging smorgasbord orgy. This guy, often hated by
many feels because he is getting free housing owes it to his said college to
annoy all with his passive –aggressive confrontational vendetta against all on
campus students. All that is missing is a whistle, and a safety badge. Often
useless, The R.A. does come in handy when the PHILOSOPHER STONER, JOHNNY FRAT
BOY - or - SALLY SORORITY CHICK locks themselves out at 4am.
JUST DOING THIS FOR THE FREE HOUSING R.A.
This RA just says hi and bye to residents. Decorates the bulletin board and
complete the minimal number of required programs. This R.A. is cool as shit, but
makes it clear they are only here for the free housing.
MAN-HATING FEMINIST
Usually found in Women's Studies or English classes. They find enjoyment in
discussing how the standard of beauty is too high and how the opposite sex has
taken over the world. They also tend to wear clothing that shows off cleavage in
order to show that they are comfortable with their bodies. They tend to be loud
in class discussions and easily annoyed by male classmates. Almost every
conversation turns into a discussion of how men are degrading women.
I-PLACED-INTO-HIGHER-LEVEL-CLASSES-YOU
This individual is a Freshman, who managed to get placed into upper level
courses. Because of this, he will establish a heightened feeling of self-worth,
and will consider himself to be a worthy equal to the majors in said department.
Will bring up the fact that they are a FRESHMAN at every opportunity, and will
become confounded when the upperclassmen in the same major aren't fawning over
him or trying to suck his cock out of amazement at how awesome he must be,
because he's taking upper level classes, but he's merely a FRESHMAN. If it is a
language course, they will try to chat in that language, regardless of the fact
that you won't understand what-the-fuck. Not because they're better than you,
but in their pretentious righteousness, they don't realize they completely suck
at it.
THE SILENT, STRAIGHT-LACED GEM
This girl is rather shy, quite studious, probably pretty conservative, and
usually somewhat attractive in a sort of clean, traditional, classic way.
Sometimes, her quietness or straight face may be misinterpreted as indifference
or the "get away from me" look, but once you get to know her, she is actually
quite nice and makes a decent friend. She doesn't drink or smoke - not because
she's a "goody two-shoes", but because she genuinely has no desire to. Gets
along with most people, has a decent social circle, but holds just a few close
friends. May need a little push to get involved in activities. Makes a reliable
friend. Is a hard worker, but can enjoy having fun too.
THE SKATER Lived across the
hall from this guy. His roommate listened to Toto... odd combination.
Usually listens to "emo" music and wears nothing but skate brands, sagging jeans
with a belt and t-shirt (sometimes a hoodie and a beanie). The skater is rarely
seen without skateboard in hand. He is not particularly bright, nor does he say
much. These types when not skateboarding through campus by themselves travel in
packs.
THE INDIE KID
The indie kid is the guy/girl who wears nothing but vintage cloths purchase from
thrift stores and listens to music by bands that nobody has ever heard of. Indie
kids stick together, always involved in some sort of "intellectual" conversation
about a worldly event (past or present) that everybody is not talking about.
Often times the indie kid will go out of his or her way to mention something
obscure to give themselves "indie cred".
THE EDUCATION MAJOR
As a freshman, the education major parties excessively, because he or she knows
in subsequent years, they won't be able to have any more late nights out due to
having to go to field experience at a local school. The education major finds
themselves wishing they could sign up for an 8 AM class because it feels like
sleeping in when he or she compares it to waking up for field or student
teaching at 5:30 in the morning.
HUSBAND/BRIDE TO BE
Usually a freshman who is currently engaged. You often ask yourself how long
will it last?, Why will anyone marry him/her?, when will he/she know that it may
have been a bit too early? (After the divorce of course :D). Often talks about
how he/she will be married soon, and relates a lot of the projects he/she has
done to marriage. Will need a therapist in the future if it all goes wrong.
THE HIGH-SCHOOLER
Typically a girl and a Freshman. Spends most of her time stereotyping hallmates,
classmates, and other acquaintances based on what cliques they would have
belonged to in her high school. Her favorite hobby is badmouthing these people
because 'in HIGH SCHOOL' she would never have associated with them. She also
enjoys critiquing and complaining about every aspect of college which is
'different' from her high school experience.
JUST HAPPY TO BE AWAY FROM HER DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY FOR A SEMESTER GIRL
Jhtbafhdffasg is usually the happiest person on campus. she doesn't take parties
for granted. if there are five parties going on simultaneously, she's somehow
having the time of her life at all five. She won't disrupt class with any
senseless questions, although it may take some time to get used to her
everlasting smile. She makes an awesome friend, always optimistic until winter
break rolls around and you have to drag her out of her dorm kicking and
screaming.
THE CHEATER
This guy never studies for tests. He cheated his way through high school and
knows every trick in the book. Instead of studying he spends his time trying to
figure out how to steal the answers from the professor or storing formulas in
his TI83. Every test grade is either an A (if they got the answers) or D or F
(if they didn't). This will eventually lead to a final grade of a C.
